Relationships.
During the past year or so I've come up with the following info on how treatment should be in relationships, and also what I believe a few of the problems are today and advice about them.
One of the most important things people look for are looks; which is one of the problems today. The problem is, someone will usually see looks, but they won't look further for the respect, kindness, personality, and over all treatment as much as they should. Usually looks are all someone will see at first. Granted, people do want the other stuff a relationship needs, but don't always go the extra step for it, and some don't even look at all. They wait until after and usually end up finding out this and that and seeing it really wasn't a good match at all. You must make sure to know someone for more than their looks right from the start. Find out what you want in/from each other and if they are the person you want if a relationship is to last. Some believe they can change a person if they have to, but very few succeed and changing them is not the way to go; often times someone just gets hurt more in the long run.
Also, sometimes someone isn't ready to commit at times because they want to try with a few other people first, or they just aren't ready for any type of commitment yet, None of these are wrong, but if you're trying to get a lasting relationship, then make sure the person is someone who wants to commit. If you plan to give them the time they need before they are ready to commit, be careful. You could get burned.
Last but not least, sex in the relationship. People tend to make this choice too early in a relationship or in life. If you're in a deep relationship with someone and you think it's time, make sure to give it more thought. It often changes the outlook on relationship for both of you. If one of you isn't ready, it will cause some problems, and even some regrets. It could even become a regrettable experience forever. Also for younger teenage years, love is still pretty much an unknown emotion to most of us and a lot of us aren't mature enough yet. Now when I say not mature enough, I mean emotionally. Yes, you have crushes, or like someone a lot, but real love is an emotion that is only beginning to be understood. Feelings for one another can change very easily when it's not real love. For instance, you may like someone a lot, but the next day you meet this other wonderful person and hit it off with them. Your feelings change rather quickly, because we are still developing emotionally, and only beginning to understand those new feelings gradually. True love comes slowly, and grows over time. If you feel you really love someone, still be sure about the choices you make. Being extra safe and waiting for that extra step is the best bet. A lot of things could happen you don't want or just aren't ready for. Things like getting pregnant, S.T.D.'s, or being hurt if you really weren't ready. These generally apply to females. Males however have to take responsibility if something does happen. They aren't completely free either. They too can contract a S.T.D. if they aren't safe. Don't think for one-second something won't happen just because chances are slim or you practice safe sex. There is no such thing as "safe" sex. There is, however, safer sex, but not safe. Waiting until an older age will be much safer and your feelings will be more mature. Usually in later high school years, or after is when we really begin to know what the real feelings are. I believe waiting for ages such as 18, 19, or perhaps later on, if you wish to establish a good situation in life, before taking it to that final step. Plus, in doing so, you have much less worry about paying the consequences. Not to mention, it's someone you're more likely to be with for a period of time, hopefully to keep. Being careful and smart is the safest bet. Also, a male generally doesn't feel regret or emotional unreadiness as much as a female, when it comes to sex. For the male it's more of a pleasurable physical experience with the female that he is with. There is a difference between having sex, and making love. It's usually the female who sees it as the show of feelings towards each other. Females should realize it takes longer for the male to reach that emotional maturity and have that strong relationship bond. It is best to wait until you both have a better understanding and grasp on your emotions. Males develop slower than females in this sense. Even if she's really in love with him and understands her feelings, he may not yet completely understand his. So make sure you have that bond for each other. This isn't always the way it happens; it can be the other way around. However, it's still the same situation. Don't get any wrong ideas about what I say. It's not impossible to feel love at early ages. But don't confuse it with infatuation, physical desire, or anything else. Some people push through their 20's still trying to figure it out. Some, although very few, never do. In most religions, sex should wait until after marriage. So those of you who may be religious also have that to think about. In my opinion I think that is a good idea, but not necessary. If you have already taken that step sexually and feel you are in love because of it, honestly stop for a while and think to see what happens. Concentrate on doing things not sexually based and see how things work out then. You may find the whole outlook on the relationship changed and no longer hold what you thought you did, because you moved to quick into things. Or, you may find it was nothing more than desire to begin with. Often times too, people will take this step because of a want to feel loved, believing this is the way to get it. Unfortunately, it isn't. Sex is meant to be an experience of a lot of sharing of feelings and love for each other, but those feelings must come before the experience, not from. If you feel the emotional maturity and readiness, and you feel you have a good stand point in life, then I see no problem. That's all I really encourage. Also, I see nothing wrong with wanting to do sexual things with someone and not completely going all the way. You can enjoy yourself without the risks. Just know who you are doing it with, and be careful in doing so. One thing can lead to another, again bringing up the sex issue. Whatever you choose is up to you; but make sure to know your options and consiquences/advantages your choices may bring.
These are just a few things I believe are causing some of the problems with relationships today. Everyone has their right to their opinions, but these are mine.
People want someone who will respect them, be nice to them, treat them right, and be honest with them. One who will be caring and loving. Someone who will be there for them when they are needed most. They also have to be understanding, and give each other space and not butt into each other's lives all the time, but instead, let them know you're there for them when they do need you. You need to be able to trust the person you're with or else you don't have a good relationship. Don't have doubts about the relationship. People can usually tell right away. Though they might not confront you about it because they're afraid of what might happen. People want security. Without it they will constantly worry about the relationship, or not feel confident about it.
If one might be making a mistake or is doing something that isn't good for them, or someone else, don't try to change it or force them to change it. Doing so just makes matters worse in most cases, and they probably won't listen to you. Let them know how you feel about it, and guide them, not control. Talk with them about it, maybe you will even find you were wrong or you just looked at it wrong. But know when to give up too. If they have to make a choice, don't rush them. They will do whatever they need to do when they're good and ready.
Another thing, communication is one of the MOST important things in a relationship. It's a necessity, or the relationship probably won't last long. If issues rise, you also need to be able to communicate those issues with each other rather than fight or argue. A disagreement or fight can't always be settled with a kiss or make up gift. Sometimes things must be discussed. Communication is vital.
An important thing to always remember, a female is more emotional than a male. She can be hurt more easily than a male, and her feelings are stronger and more sincere than his. This is another reason why a lot of relationships don't work. She is the one that gets more hurt, the one that needs more love, the one that cares more about the relationship, etc. She needs the things mentioned above more than a male generally does. It's important that he understand this fact. It's also important that he doesn't let/make her feel emotionally insecure or guilty about something. Talk with her and make her feel better. Be supportive when she needs it. Also, this is why sex needs to be understood by him. If she feels bad, she's unsure, or she feels forced, sex can actually be painful emotionally and physically, since sex, in fact, is much more emotional for females. So he has to make sure it's what she wants if he continues with that. It can go another way for some however, she could want it but he doesn't, so she might feel unwanted or bad. So it's important to remember the importance of communication and talking with each other about it. If it comes up and isn't talked about, it can cause trouble with relationship and might eventually lead to it's downfall. Know the importance of understanding her emotional side. In my belief, it was the females who were given the stronger emotional characteristics, and the better sense, and the males were given more of the physical traits so that we can take care of the things the female is unable to. It was made that way for the reason of a pair, both are essential to the survival of mankind and both work in a special bond, as one, or it won't work. Let relationships work this same way.
It will also be helpful if you make it more clear to each other of what you want (reasonably), and set guidelines and let each other know your boundaries. Don't wait too long to do this. Do it from the start so that it doesn't become an even bigger problem later on.
There are some people who disagree from what I said, who might like a few things different or maybe a lot different. It varies from person to person. But that's why it's your job to have that communication towards each other to figure those things out. Also, remember to be yourself. Trying to be something or someone else will be dishonest, and it won't make you happy. Work together, a relationship isn't all one job. Both should put equal effort into it and treat each other with the same respect.
Here are some common things to think about. Some people might like some of these, others will like other things. Some of these are for males, some for females, and some apply to both. These are just basic idea's that apply to different types of people. But remember to find a lot of these things out on your own!:
1. Don't lavish someone with gifts, money, or whatever. There are some people out there that will have less respect for you, or take advantage of that. Let them like you for YOU, not what you can give them or impress them with. What you need to do is EARN there respect, not buy it. Sometimes they will just give something back if they don't feel right in taking it. What people really wants is basically what was said in above paragraphs. I am not saying no gifts or nice things, but occasionally. Not all the time. But I think the best gift someone can have is someone that can be there for them.
2. A lot of people like a good sense of humor in someone. One that can make them smile, or laugh. Not always just someone that's serious all the time. But don't forget seriousness completely!
3. If a relationship is not going well or you don't care about them anymore, and you don't want to hurt them by breaking up with them, either try to fix it or end that relationship. Don't lead someone on if you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. They'll be hurt more in the long run.
4. Sometimes, if you break up with someone, and they really cared about you a lot, they'll be thinking about you a lot. It's like a "dwelling" period. So if you're around them, and you were extremely close and you feel you still have feelings too, give it another go. They might be wishing you would look them in the eyes and say, "I made a mistake," and you'd ask them out again. If not, then try to stay their friend. It will keep them from entering that "I hate their guts" period.
5. Don't promise something, then not do it. Breaking promises is one of the things that make someone not trust/believe you anymore. They'll get tired of it, and might eventually break up with you. If you're not sure you can keep a promise, don't make it.
6. Don't insult a their appearance. If you don't have something nice to say about it, don't say anything. Insulting their appearance can get someone pretty upset. Offering an opinion is good however, but know the difference between the two.
7. Don't be embarrassed to show affection in public or around other people. You don't need to worry about what other people think; you need to worry about how they feel. If they go to hug you or something and you back off, how do you think they feel? It's them you should be worried about. A friend would have that respect not to say anything to you about it or else they aren't a really good friend, and some stranger isn't going to care, but the person you're with will.
I'm constantly finding things to add or change on this, so it's never really finished. It's a lot of work, and some people have conflicting views. This is why I'm always looking for feedback on anything that needs work or adding, but don't expect perfection. I do my best to get it as close as I can. The purpose of this is not for people to try to be everything on here, or to do this and do that. The important thing is to be yourself. This is only to express my feelings and opinions on these matters and possibly add on to your understanding as well, not to change whole way that you are. So don't get the wrong idea. A relationship isn't an easy job. It's easier said than done. But all that's really needed is some good effort, patience, will, and the combination of both people working together.
Last Updated: 8-30-99
Written by: Adam Williams